In my collection of images of the mandorla, the ladder that I follow down is my mandorla of acceptance. It is the hardest, for I enjoy living in the hope-filled possibilities that I have pictured, so to die to or accept something other than often feels like failure.
More than twenty years ago, I prayed that my father would beat his lingering diagnosis of cancer. I remember during one visit, praying prayers of faith, hoping for a miracle. Just a few days later, I prayed an equally fervent prayer of mercy, when I sat on his hospital bed saying, “Please, let go”, assuring him that we would be all right.
In the short time between my diverse prayers, nothing in my dad’s health had significantly altered, but plenty had changed in me. Along with this looming loss, I was facing two other considerable losses in my life. Was it too much, or were the three losses there to lead me into the union of heaven and earth, by accepting a deeper trust in God’s love for me?
In that overwhelming period of time, I stepped down the rungs of my metaphorical ladder and communed with Spirit until I believed that God was in all things, even death. It was there that I recognized my ego-filled prayer of keeping my daddy alive when deep inside, I knew that it was time to say good-bye.
This has become a process for me, stepping down into the dark and lonely where Spirit asks me to let go of something. And eventually, in the tomb-like space, a life-giving light begins to softly glow. It is the ever-present cycle of life, death, tomb and resurrection that God Incarnate, Jesus, so humbly portrayed for us.
Infinite Love, as I like to call Him, never asked us to worship Him, but rather pointed to the Father. Jesus said, “Follow Me”, and as He left this earth, He promised to leave His Spirit with us. Perhaps in some small way, as we worship the Holy, following the example of Love and opening up to the Sacred within, we too, can be a healing, saving presence in this world.
With the many assorted wounds that all of us carry, it can take years, lifetimes, even generations to find peace at the deepest levels, so no, my ladder down has not been the answer to end all pain. It has; however, led me to a place where trust, joy and love continue to grow. And I love that!